ALL IS WELL, THEY SAVED THE OLD GUY

You must, for your kids, your beloved, your country and your self. You must.

HAPPY FALL!

SOME PEOPLE FAILED TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES

WHY THIS?

WHY NOT THIS?

THE THINGS WE DID

The oldest child attended and attended and attended Shakesp*eare camp. They performed The Taming of the Shrew at the Adams Theatre at the Utah Shakespea*re Festival in Cedar City. Apparently the little girls didn't find the play to be politically correct. They complained that they didn't think Katherine should be subservient to Petrucci*o. The girl who played Katherine told her mother that she couldn't say those words "in good concience." We explained that maybe Katherine really liked Petrucci*o because he was different from all of the other suitors. They didn't buy it. We tried to tell them that maybe she had learned to appreciate what she had. They didn't buy it. We then told them that she thought it was all a game and had her play it as a big "wink, wink" joke. They didn't buy it but the show went on and it was fabulous.

BYE BYE BABY (tooth)

The littlest girl lost her first tooth. It was difficult to obtain and now it is gone.

This is the before part of the before and after.

The first tooth to show up was also the first to go!

So... this girl walked out of a bar :(

How was that Bar Examination, you ask?  Well it was horrid, absolutely horrid.  If it's not enough that it was a Bar Exam, it was held in a casino.  A Texas Station casino.  The casino itself was much nicer than I thought it would be.  But it was a casino.  I didn't go outside for four full days.  By the end, it seemed like the whole place was swaying back and forth like a cruise ship.

SATIRE..... or just inappropriate?

SO.... THIS GIRL WALKS INTO A BAR

Summer is in full swing and the children refuse to get out of the pool. All I do is study for the Nev*ada State Bar Examination. I was planning to write a post on all of the interesting things that are revealed to me in the course of my study. Through the hours of listening to lectures on i*pod (about a hundred hours, if you are counting) and the hours and hours of reading, I kept a note pad nearby so I could jot down any interesting trivia to post. Well guess what, the page is empty. Yep, it's all too boring to inflict on others. I even did a search of other bloggers who are writing about bar exam study. I actually found several blogs which detail the writer's study habits. Unfortunately, they mostly just list the number of highlighters that have been extinguished and the subjects that are being studied. The posts read like, "My blue highlighter is dead, I'm going to break out the yellow because I'm doing Secured Transactions on Tuesday and Wills on Thursday." As if anyone would care. Seems like a desperate attempt to find some kind of connection in a barren wasteland of legal outlines. Sad. The exam is the last 4 days of July in a seedy casino off the strip in V*egas.

I haven't updated this blog for a very long time. But let me assure you, everyone is healthy and happy. The health and happiness is mainly due to lard.

WHERE AM I?

You might be thinking that I haven't updated this blog for a little while because I have started my career as a cage fighter in Tai*wan.  Nope, not yet.  Every time I get close to clearing all the work off my desk, someone comes in and dumps a bunch more.  Maybe next month.

MOMENT OF TRUTH

In our home, there are domestic disputes about who should run this country.

I wait with bated breath for tonight's election results.

Although I don't agree, the girlfriend does have a very valid point of view. She explains it like this....... "All the things that people find so disagreeable about Hillary, well those are the reasons I love her. I love that she is aggressive and that people don't consider her to be very feminine. I love that she managed to walk with all that money from the White*water fiasco and then evaded Ken Star*r. I love that she clearly doesn't care what her husband does or with whom he does it. I see all of her faults as exceptional characteristics for a president."

I think I'm going to sneak a rainbow Ob*ama 08 sticker on her bumper later today. Hopefully she won't see it and will drive around campaigning for him for a few hours.

While we were hanging out at a coffeeshop before school today, the youngest child informed me that "Honey has bee spit in it. But I'm still going to eat it."

BARD

The eldest daughter played Cordelia in the class production of King Lear.  When I asked about what she was learning from the play, she told me "We show our love through our actions every day, not by engaging in foolish flattery."  Whooooa, I think I scored in the dutiful daughter department.

MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY

This is how yesterday unfolded.

It was a cold and snowy spring morning.  A setting made more tragic and forlorn by the belief that spring had sprung and the cold and snowy were over.  The pilot light went out on the water heater (another long and tragic story) and everyone took a very cold shower before work and school.  Because of a historical habit of elaborate trickery on this, my favorite holiday, I was accused of blowing out the pilot light and inducing discomfort.  I didn't have anything to do with the water heater troubles.  Given my history, I was fully understanding of the impulse to blame me and took the accusation in stride.  

I headed off to a court hearing.  In my absence,  the indispensable paralegal/office manager/jack of all trades played a trick by cleaning out her office and leaving her key in the mailbox with a note that said "Sorry."  Before she could return to shout "April Fools" the girlfriend had an emotional breakdown and stormed out of the office.

She returned hours later only to find a (beautifully forged on colored letterhead, not an easy task) letter from the State Bar Association of another state in which she is seeking bar admission.  The letter accuses her of habitual speeding and requests documentation of all traffic violations, including citation numbers for the last 25 years.  There was momentary anger and upset on her part, and a quick admission to trickery on my part.  After the earlier breakdown I just couldn't milk it for all it was worth in good conscience.  

Our computer repair person (who is the husband of long time co-worker and has done many favors in the past) sends me a bill via email that is waaaaay too much for repairing a virus problem. The bill includes lots of stuff which was actually done by myself or other people who are employed by me.  The bill is more than the cost of a new, updated, better computer.  I stew but really want to avoid conflict.  Also, I have nagging guilty feelings all day about looking at an email from "Svetlana" who says she saw my photo on the internet and wants to chat.  Turns out she just wanted to sell me some stuff.  Believing this to be the source of the Trojan (which we all remember as an enticing thing which unleashes havoc when opened) I perhaps believe myself to be deserving of these troubles.  The girlfriend maliciously tells me I really should get a quote before I have people start working on my computer.  She also waits until midnight to tell me it's an April Fools Day joke.

Our newest associate (and because of this kind of behavior, she is newly dear to my heart) prepares and has mailed to another associate (also dear to my heart because of his gullible nature) a  fake sexual harassment suit (for a million dollars) from a recently departed paralegal. (She was poached by another lawyer who has more money than I and departed in a manner very similar to the trick described above.  I believe her departure made that trick more believable, hence the emotional breakdown)  Because of the professional look of the documents, the person served had a look of sheer terror on his face for a split second.  Earlier hijinks's made him immediately suspicious and he quickly realized the joke.  However it was a beautiful split second.  

I tried to trick my friend that he actually had ri*cin poisoning last month when he was in the hospital for some kind of (not ri*cin) infection.  He doesn't buy it.  I also tried to tell the children at 7:00 that it is bedtime and that they need to put on their pajamas and get in bed. They don't buy it. 

I've had better, but all in all I think it was a fine way to welcome April.

 

A DREAM FULFILLED

The Easter Bunny (aka, the fabulous Hammi) braved the treacherous Flat Rabbit Road and made it to our little cabin in Tea*sdale to deliver those fabulous funeral potatoes!! It renewed my faith.  We were also treated to beautiful weather for our hikes across red rocks.

LAWYERS HELPING LAWYERS

Every year, when it begins to look like spring will never come, the Uta*h St*ate B*ar Associ*ation engages in this huge campaign to assist the troubled lawyers of this state. It's my favorite Journal issue of the year, I keep it in the office bathroom until next year's issue comes out and I can replace it with a new, better edition. Last year it was all about our tragic, inappropriate and continual drug and alcohol abuse. The Journal cover this year, featured this fabulous photo and the articles include---

A Friend in Need

What to Expect when you call Lawyers Helping Lawyers

Why are so Many Lawyers Depressed

"Ain't Stress Grand?"

A Sober Look Back (that's sober as in kickin' the habit, not as in serious)

Stress in Practicing Laaw & How to Minimize it from the Perspective of a Family Law Practioner

Stress Management for New Lawyers

Reducing Stress

That's not all, just the articles that I liked best.

So anyway, it's an issue that is just filled with uplifting facts, like

"Researchers at Johns Hopkins University have determined that Lawyers ranked number 1 on the list of occupations that were most depressed."

"A survey of 801 lawyers in the State of Washington found that 19% of the respondents suffered from clinical depression and 18% were problem drinkers."

I'm not even going to get into the suicide stuff.

Now that you are worried about me and feeling really sorry for me, I thought I would get to the point of this post. While I was in the bathroom crying and reading my magazine, I came across a solution -- it was right there in the Journal. A book review of "The 4 Hour Workweek: Escape the 9-5, Live Anywhere and Join the New Rich" The book is by Timothy Fe*rris if you want to pick it up at your local independent bookstore. I'm immediately drawn in by anything with a colon---so I jumped right on that article.

This guy decided to simplify his role and make himself "expendable" by reducing his work hours to 4 per week. With the extra time that he created he was able to "accomplish an amazing array of tasks, which include:

1. world record holder in tango

2. Princeton University guest lecturer

3. championship cage fighter

4. fluent speaker in Chinese, Japanese, Spanish and German

6. researcher regarding the Glycemic Index

7. break dancer in Taiwan

8. actor on a successful TV series in Hong Kong and China

9. TV host in China and Thailand

10. participant in motorcycle races

11. shark diving enthusiast

12. bestselling author

13. ultra-successful blogger!!!!!!

That's right, that's the bottom line, the final advice in this long diatribe about stress. And I think it's right on the mark. It's the life that would make me really, really happy. Especially the cage fighting. Other than the Princeton gig, it's everything I've always wanted. So, as soon as I clear all this work off my desk, I'm out of here. Call my cell if you need anything.

WHEN I GO, I LEAVE NO TRACE

Onward from vast uncharted spaces,
Forward through timeless voids,
Into all of us surges and races
The measureless might of the wind....

In the steep silence of thin blue air
High on a lonely cliff-ledge,
Where the air has a clear, clean rarity,
I give to the wind.... my pledge:

"By the strength of my arm, by the sight of my eyes,
By the skill of my fingers, I swear
As long as life dwells in me, never will I
Follow any way but the sweeping way of the wind."

From On Desert Trails with Eve*rett Rues*s

And last night we saw a fabulous about Eve*rett Ru*ess. It was written by our friend Debra Three*dy and she also had the starring role. He disappeared into the canyons near Escalan*te, Utah in 1934, leaving behind his family, his mother, to grieve and wonder for her boy.

It made me spend all last night thinking about Joan Didi*on and her "Year of Magical Thinking" following the sudden death of her husband and the tragic illness of her daughter, Quint*anna Roo (which really is a great name). D*idion won a National Book award (small consolation) and much has been written about the book--about it's heartbreaking rendering of her grief. It's the most poignant reading experience I have ever had, but not because of the eloquent way it describes the grief she felt at the loss of her husband, but because of the tragic, hopeless hope she had for her daughter's recovery. Her desperate, lonely attempts to hold onto her daughter through what turned out to be an extended and fatal illness. What made it so sad, and what made the rendering of Everett R*uess' mother's grief so sad, was watching them hope and hope for their children, knowing all the while that the outcome is tragic.

THE LOVE AFFAIR IS OVER-- IT DROWNED IN A PILE OF VOMIT

This is a fabulous story about my fabulous life, and I just want to share it with the world.

Last night the nanny picks up the kids and also picks up some Gi*rlS*cout cookies that the oldest child needs to deliver. She hangs out at the house for awhile and then she leaves to drive a kid to a dance class and while she is gone, the horrid beast pictured above climbs upon the counter and eats an entire box of Sa*mo*as. When I'm presented with this information upon my return home, I comment that the dog shares my taste in cookies. I then shrug the bad act off as typical (which it is) and go about my evening.

The Girlfriend has to leave early in the morning to fly to another city for work, and I am left to prepare the children and deliver them to their schools. As the morning progresses, I'm really happy that, despite the time change and my resulting fatigue, I'm actually ahead of schedule and I'm going to get the carpool to school on time for a change. As I am giving the kids breakfast, I look over and see a giant pool of dog vomit on the counter. Not only has the dog gotten onto the counter to purge, but she then walked through her own vomit and proceeded to leave vomit paw prints all over the counter, down onto the floor and in a leisurely stroll across the kitchen floor. It's nasty, but I've seen worse, so I just clean it up, shrug it off as typical and go about getting ready to go. As I am walking to the other end of the house, I see the dog sniffing at something or eating something under the coffee table in the living room. I go over to investigate and there are piles and piles of regurgitated cookies mixed with slightly but not adequately chewed up carrots and other unidentifiable substances. When I say piles and piles of vomit, I really mean it. The volume was easily 2 1/2 times the dogs body weight. Needless to say, nobody got anywhere on time today.


Also needless to say, I AM OFFICIALLY OUT OF LOVE WITH THE DOG!

Vile, vile, vile, and when I tell the nanny the horrid story, she says "Oh, yah, I forgot to tell you she ate some carrots too."

THE PATRON SAINT OF CASSEROLES

This is Saint Krista, my beloved paralegal. I took her out and bestowed sainthood because of the many food miracles that I have witnessed her perform. These miracles have consisted of tiny bites of things that she will sometimes give me from her tupperware. Tater Tot casserole made with Cream of Mushroom soup, Chicken Enchiladas made with Cream of Mushroom soup and oh those potatoes. I really love those potatoes. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think that the potatoes that were provided after the birth of my first child made me more willing to endure the pain of childbirth a second time. My nickname for my youngest daughter is actually "Tater." It's because her birth actually did result in a potato delivery and also because only she can bring me the same joy that those M*ormo*n Funeral Potatoes bring. I'm thinking of trying to break into the M*orm*on Cinema phenomenon by doing a flick called "The Funeral Crashers." It will be a weak knock off of "The W*eddin*g Cra*shers," and "Ree*f*er Ma*dnes*s" featuring a band of famished les*bian*s who dress up in pumps and those patterned sweaters from N*or*dstro*m and crash funeral after parties because they are addicted to the potatoes. I'm not sure it will ever be as big as "The S*in*gles W*ard" but I'm sure there must be some niche audience out there.

Countdown to the end of the Utah State Legislative Session... they need to be stopped before it goes any further.

What am I doing lately? Well...... I'm just sitting around waiting for Strom Thurman.... oh I mean Senator Chris Buttars...... to introduce legislation affording just 3/5ths of a vote for certain individuals.....you know, those people.

NERVES

The children are being interviewed for a new school today. A full day interview for the larger child. I am so nervous. So very, very nervous. More nervous that I have ever been for my own interviews for schools, or jobs or anything. More nervous than when I took a bar exam. Oh, I don't know why, if the interviews don't go well, I'm sure they will still be entitled to education, but I'm really nervous.

A BETTER PUBLIC FACE

THE WEB NEEDS THESE KIDS! And a quiz? Who is telling whom to behave, who is really supportive of this project?

Oh, and the final questions for the quiz. Do you think I have the people skills necessary to get a job at Kid.die Kan.dids if this law thing doesn't work out? Who is suffering from premature aging and who has fallen into deep, deep hate with whom? A final question, are the who's and whom's gramatically correct in this post? If you wish to see this photo in a larger format and in a gallery setting, visit slcwinterpride.org and pretend that you are buying tickets. You don't have to pay anything, it just seems like you are making a purchase.

THAT DOG LOOKS GREAT!

I have been doing this photo project, documenting the "Diverse Families" of Utah. We put up a photo show that opens on Valentines day and runs for awhile. We are adding to the show from last year that was at the main library. I've done alot of portrait photography over the last couple of weeks. Enough to make my arm hurt. The families have all been great. Mostly it's gay and lesbian parents with really cute kids, but this is my favorite of the photos. The guys let the dog vote, and it's her favorite of their shoot too. I have a couple of other favorites, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to send photos of other people's children out into the world wide web.

WOULD THE FBI FIND MY STALKING BEHAVIOR CONCERNING? I do go to alot of effort to avoid jail you know.

So, I started this blog a long time ago, and then I just abandoned it. I even started this post a couple of months ago and abandoned the post in mid creation. I wonder if my 4 year old would be able to find a pattern here. Anyway, I abandoned the blog in favor of playing around on my.spac.e. I overheard someone saying that Bar.ack O.bam.a was their "my.spac.e friend." Weeelllll, that got me all worked up, so I signed on and got him to be "my my.spac.e friend." I did my part for the relationship, sent a howdy email, sent a little cash, birthday and christmas cards, continually inquired if there might be anything I could do for him. And then I spent months waiting for/expecting him to act like a real friend. This is how it went.... no soy chai delivered to my office on my birthday, no calls to see what I was up to, no invitations to grab a quick cocktail when he was in Slick City, he didn't email me back when I asked if he would babysit my kids for a couple of hours one weekend, he never invited me to a BBQ at his fabulous home in Chicago, he didn't solicit my opinion on his idea that maybe the US should bomb Pakistan, he also never asked advice on how he might reel in the vote of that all important lesbian mom demographic and there was absolutely no response to my extra cute, hand colored Christmas card featuring my adorable children. When I accepted that it wasn't going to work out the way I wanted, I briefly switched my affection to Kucinich, but that was a dead end in more ways than one. So, I decided to turn my attentions back to this blog. Oh, and in terms of time commitments and excuses for not finishing what I start, In addition to my so called "relationship" with O.b.ama, I have been busy having an intense love affair with the dog. I feel a little bit guilty that this relationship is "overlapping" my primary relationship. What can I do, the heart desires what the heart desires.